It sounds sort of funny, but developing a relationship with your heart is strongly connected to how you develop relationships. This most intimate of relationships guides the sorts of people you attract, too.

Being present for yourself is the anchor you must develop in order to forge healthy emotions and relationships. Contrary to how may of us operate, another person is not the anchor.

When we show up for ourselves everyday by parenting our hearts our other intimate relationships are not so scary or daunting. When your own heart is nurtured, others can then be nurtured by us in a healthy way as well.

Think of your heart as a child. (The child is a metaphor for the heart.)
Whatever your childhood issues are that you still may be working through will probably pop up at some time through your relationships. What our issues or triggers were as children are what we tend to attract in life. For example, if your issue is abandonment, you might have a pattern of choosing relationships where you are abandoned or you might attract situations that provide an opportunity or need to be healed.

People in your life are your messengers to help you heal your wounded heart. Take cues from the patterns you’ve established in your relationships to learn what to heal within.

And, then ask, what do you do to love yourself?

Consider having a relationship with your heart – the kind of relationship you would want with a partner. Look through the eyes of your heart. Be a best friend to yourself. Treat your heart like you would treat your own child’s heart if he was hurt, angry, sad, or afraid. What would you do for your distressed child? Would you distract your child or sit with her and validate your her feelings over and over and over again until the feelings process through? When you offer unconditional love, and really show up for your heart (as you would for your child), you can move through hurt to heal.

What do you do when you feel hurt? Do you call someone? Walk, listen to music, or eat? Ask yourself: how can I be there for myself now? How can I show up for myself and trust that I am taking care of my feelings now?

Many of my clients come to me to deal with their anxiety and fear and transform it into positive energy that feeds them rather than takes energy away from their lives. The causes for such heavy emotions are varied, of course, and I hear throughout my daily/weekly sessions that people are afraid of these emotions – and are doing everything in their power to avoid feeling fearful.

In my experience, avoidance is probably not the best strategy as typically the emotion you are trying to avoid comes back with a vengeance. Negative emotions can fester, too, which then can transform into fatigue or other severe health problems. Not the kind of transformation most of us seek.

There are many steps I teach my clients to take to resolve negative emotions in order to help them regulate their energy and give them their power back.

If you avoid your feelings, or are plagued by fear and anxiety, you can do something for yourself immediately. This isn’t a quick fix but a first step at help until you can get the appropriate assistance to guide you in resolving the root of your true problem.

Take Time Out
Sit comfortably. Begin breathing in through your nose, and out through the mouth with your exhale lasting approximately twice as long as your inhale. Count to yourself to guide this practice. Raise your head every so slightly. Look up and find a spot on the wall or some area or object you can focus on. Soften your breathing as you focus on this spot. Keep your eyes fixed on the spot or object and start spreading your awareness to the periphery. Notice while keeping your eyes fixed that you can also see to the sides of yourself. Now, consider the space above your head, then the space below your body. Keep expanding your awareness all the way out, reaching, stretching this awareness to encompass the room, your space, your world, the universe.

Keeping your breathing soft, notice how you feel. Now soften your thoughts. You can even imagine space….in….between….each….of….your….thoughts. You can also imagine breathing through your heart. Notice how good this feels. (It sounds weird, perhaps, but give it a go!)

Spending just a few moments practicing this technique can really diffuse a stressful situation. If you are having a hectic day, use this visualization to help you to regain control while you’re still in the situation, right when it makes a difference.

And, practice, practice, practice. Your mind and body love repetition! When you make this exercise part of your regular practice it will work better, and become an automatic response geared to help you through stressful, fearful situations.

Many people feel that they don’t communicate well with others, that it’s a challenge to really get to know someone intimately. When you know yourself, truly, you are more apt to share that true self with others which can be enriching and rewarding, to say the least. But why is this preferred state so difficult to achieve?

Many of us mask our true feelings, desires, life goals behind what we “should” feel, think, or do. Many of us don’t have strong awareness of what we do or why we do it. And, many more of us don’t want to “go there” – to dig deeper into ourselves to understand our motivations because we might see something we don’t wish to. This is a real fear. Some of us feel quite broken. Some not worthy of self love. Others, still, imagine losing control if they stop to actually look at what’s going on inside.

It’s your life, of course, and you make it what you want it to be. But why not do that soul searching, the hard work to see what’s really going on – and figure out how to make strong changes if you don’t like what you see? When you engage in such introspection, you certainly might feel uncomfortable. But when you commit to learning who you really are – becoming aware of your inner being, how you wish to thrive and communicate – you commit to a deeper level of self understanding wich benefits all around you.

This is part of communicating with yourself. It might be something completely new, but when you learn how to communicate deeply and meaningfully with yourself, your communications with others can certainly be more enhanced, too.

Why not get to know who you really are? Why not dive into the hard work? Why not right now?

Some of the concepts presented in last week’s blog about your brain and getting in the zone will also be discussed in the upcoming training with John Overdurf.

For more information, see the announcement on the home page of my site.

John also presents critical concepts about awareness, the power of our minds, and making change in his Trance of a Lifetime Training, 2010. Be sure to spend some time on his site to learn more about his trainings and materials.

Hope to see many of you at the upcoming training!

When we talk about states of being, we mean an emotion or feeling (happiness, sadness) that is held within us biochemically, via our individual internal electrical neural networks. When we experience emotions, the longest a strong urge can coast (biochemically) within our systems is a mere 90 seconds. In order for that feeling to last longer, someone is throwing logs on the fire! (hint: YOU).

In other words, according to the quantum zeno effect, paying attention to any specific neural connection keeps the associated circuitry open, dynamic, and alive. If you’re feeling severe anger for more than 90 seconds, then it is your own mind that is causing that emotion to last longer – not the emotion itself. In order for a state to persist, it has to be re-engaged or the nervous system has to be reminded to keep firing the same circuitry over and over again. This is done through making pictures or providing self talk or external stimulations from our environment. The stronger the feeling, the greater the number of circuits simultaneously fired.

I’ve blogged about the quantum zeno effect earlier this spring (and will keep doing so as this interesting and important topic is worth repeating). Remember that rapid, frequently repeated observations stabilize a system and slow the rate of change or decay. Fewer, less frequent observations destabilize a system and increase the rate of change or decay (anti zeno effect). The more you think about something, the longer you choose to not let go of a negative emotion or thought, the more hard-wired it will be in your system. Who wants that to happen?

How does this relate to being in the zone? Well, to get to that higher state (or relaxation, primarily) you need to be aware of what your mind is really focused on. Different information hangs out at different brain wave frequencies.

Gamma (my personal favorite!) 25-70 Hz:
Gamma waves are correlated with synchrony of far-reaching neural networks which creates integrative and more highly ordered cognitive and affective functions. They are instrumental in neural synchrony of processes like attention, working, memory, learning, and conscious perception. Gamma brain waves are evident during AHA! moments which are truly therapeutic moments lasting 200-300 milliseconds but that offer enlightenment for longer periods of time.

Beta 13-24 Hz:
Beta waves are correlated with a focusing of attention and perception coupled with active expression. These waves are evident during simple problem solving, arithmetic activities, and reality testing which each require making finer distinctions and communication through language. Because attention is focused, beta waves can also be correlated with many unwanted states that can hinder performance.

Alpha 8-12 Hz:
Alpha waves are correlated with states of relaxed alertness or more common flow states.They are evident during creative activities which can involve expression or reflection. In alpha, there is a widening of perception and relaxing of boundaries which allows for greater recognition of patterns, themes, and large frames of organization which can extend beyond language.

Theta 4-z Hz:
Theta waves are correlated with deeper states of reflection, contemplation, and sleep. They are evident during mystical experiences like out of body experiences, lucid dreaming, and deeper states of mediation. There is a further increase in the widening of perception and relaxing of boundaries which allows recognition of much longer cycles and larger patterns which are usually beyond language.

Delta 1-3 Hz:
Delta waves are correlated with only sleep for most people. They are evident during stages two and four sleep (physical restoration) where there is usually no conscious activity. In cases where consciousness is active, there is a further increase of experience of wholeness and boundlessness.

Have you guessed where the brain wave activity is when you’re in the zone? Can you guess where the brain wave activity is when change is most probable, possible?

The zone is a state of focused awareness or energized focus. A person is fully immersed in a feeling of focus or a single-minded immersion in performing or learning. It’s accessed through alpha or high alpha wave states. Athletes get into an expanded alpha or focused alpha state quickly. Monks get there during meditation.

But, how do you get there?

Try this basic practice. (I have my clients do this most every time they come in for a visit.)
* Take a nice deep breath in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Make the exhale last twice as long as the inhale.
* Look straight up for a few seconds. Try to see the top of your own head.
* Return your eyes to normal (look straight ahead). Now, soften your gaze and try to access your peripheral vision.
* Soften your thoughts.
* Now, do what you have to do…You are in the zone.

You can practice this any time you can be still for a few moments – not, however, while driving, running, moving. Just sit still for a moment during your day and practice this. Then, get out there and perform optimally.

Many of us stress during the summer months about how we look, which gets mixed up with how we feel, act, and think. Many of us, too, turn to food to feel better if we’re feeling down rather than dealing with the core issues that affect our thinking. If you’re caught in a yo-yo diet pattern, or are an emotional eater, using food as a drug to block your inner work, you can stop. In order to help you break unhealthy habits and get on track to a healthier you, learn a bit more about how food is affecting your body, mind, and soul.

Food as Drugs
Foods actually have a bigger effect and work faster on your body than drugs. For example, it takes several weeks for Prozac to build up in your system to increase the serotonin level in your brain. Sweets like chocolate or cinnamon rolls with frosting can increase the serotonin levels in your brain in just minutes. High-fat, high-sugar foods release natural opiates in the brain just like heroin. The only difference is the amount.

The problem with the use of food as a recreational drug is that it sets up a never-ending cycle. Depression and anxiety can cause people to eat to feel better, but mostly people end up feeling worse. When that happens, people start to eat again to feel better and the cycle is on. Weight gain, fatigue, and more depression are natural side effects of this vicious cycle.

Another common example of this cycle at work is when people blast their bodies with caffeine and sugar. When you ingest such powerful compounds, you’ll probably feel energized for a bit and then in a short while, you’ll feel tired and sluggish and need another caffeine or sugar blast. This cycle is quite difficult to break.

It is my opinion that no one will ever lose weight permanently until the emotional reasons for eating are resolved. Only then is it possible for people to learn to notice how food actually makes them feel – and can actually do something to develop healthy patterns that trump the negative.

Sugar
Hundreds of years ago, people ate no sugar. Heart disease, diabetes, and cancer can be traced to increases in sugar. These diseases were virtually nonexistent in primitive cultures. They begin to show up about 20 years after primitive cultures begin eating refined carbohydrates.

In his book Sweet and Dangerous, Dr. Yudkin sites numerous examples of many cultures where it was shown that sugar was a more likely cause of heart disease than fat. The Masai and Sumburu tribes of East Africa have almost no heart disease, yet they eat a diet high in fat (mostly meat, and milk, but no sugar).

And, there are plenty of health comparisons between Americans and other Western cultures, too, which you’re probably aware of. The French diet is higher in fat than the American diet. French people have lower rates of obesity and heart disease than Americans. The French eat approximately 5.5 times less sugar per capita than Americans.

Refined sugar has been stripped of all its nutrients and robs the body of its nutrients during the process of digestion. In order to digest and metabolize sugar, the body has to use its own mineral reserves of chromium, manganese, cobalt, copper, zinc, and magnesium.

Our bodies have not developed the ability to metabolize large amounts of sugar on a daily basis. When sugars or highly processed carbohydrates are eaten, they are digested almost immediately, and the flood of sugar is released directly into the bloodstream. In response to the increase in sugar, the pancreas secretes insulin. Known as the fat storage hormone, insulin is designed to restore blood sugar equilibrium by taking excess sugar out of the bloodstream and storing it in the muscle tissues or liver (called carbo-loading) or moving it into fat storage.

Sugar has been proven to destroy the germ killing ability of white blood cells for up to five hours after ingestion. Sugar reduces the production of antibodies, proteins that combine with inactive foreign invaders in the body. Sugar interferes with the transport of Vitamin C, one of the most important nutrients for all facets of immune function. Sugar causes mineral and enzyme deficiency and sometimes causes allergic reactions. It neutralizes the action of essential fatty acids, thus making cells more prone to invasion by all viruses and microorganisms. Also, cancer cells feed directly on sugar potentially stimulating tumor growth. During World War II, when sugar consumption declined, the number of cases of adult onset diabetes also dropped – sharply.

Break the Sugar Cycle
By all means, avoid sugar when you can. Choose food wisely. Make healthy meals together as a family and with friends. Exercise. Drink plenty of clean water and herbal teas. Eat fresh foods low in fats and sugars. Avoid bingeing and starvation diets. Plan meals carefully and you will find you have more energy to do the things you love with your loved ones. And, be sure to do the inner work necessary to discover your true reasons for poor eating habits you may have developed over a long period of time. When you deal with your emotional habits in a healthy way, you’ll feel better equipped to deal with your consumption habits, too.

There is a terrifically simple story told by many different workshop trainers featuring the town ‘fix it’ man. You know this man – he’s the old local who was known to be able to fix anything.

His story goes like this: In the middle of winter, the boiler in the elementary school would not work. Everything possible was tried in order to fix it so the kids would be warm while in class. Finally in desperation, the ‘fix it’ man was called to come in a look at the problem. After he was told about all the efforts that were made to fix the boiler, he walked to his toolbox, took out his hammer and walked back to the boiler. Then, without any warning, he took his hammer and tapped gently on a valve. Instantly the boiler started back up again and continued to run smoothly without hesitation. The ‘fix it’ man packed up and went home.

The school received a bill a week later from the ‘fix it’ man for $1000. They were of course taken aback, and referred the matter to the superintendent, who then phoned the ‘fix it’ man and asked for an itemized statement. How could he possibly have charged $1000 when all he did was tap his hammer once on a valve? When the itemized bill arrived, it noted very clearly that he charged $1.00 for the hammer tap and $999 for knowing exactly where to tap.

This is a perfectly simple example illustrating that it’s important to know what to change, where to change, and how to change.

Many of the folks I work with have tried to create changes in their lives by changing jobs, relationships, cars, locations, style, and many more elements of our seemingly complicated lives. It is fantastic to have knowledge that you need a change, but it is completely different to have the awareness that directs exactly what or how to change. (And, remember that John Overdurf reminds us that all we are is change. We are changing all the time. Evolution is good. Then, of course, there is the fear of change. But that’s a different story.)

The best way to change your mind is by changing your negative thought patterns. We can see with scans that whatever our mind pays attention to actually creates a super highway of neurons and dendrites to support those thoughts, positive or negative. The mind doesn’t discriminate here.

Stop and assess for a minute. Are you paying attention to anxiety? Fear? Why not change your mind and add a positive force to your life?

Wouldn’t it be much better to pay attention to possibilities rather than focusing on deficits? What could be and what is rather than what is not?

Your mind uses thoughts to create the way in which you interact with reality. Your thoughts can be used to build or destroy. They are powerful.

People from all areas of life who are ready to acknowledge that life involves problems and are willing and ready to get busy to do the hard work collaborate with me to help create solutions and permanent positive change. Working together, my clients learn to recognize their thoughts or pictures they are making as a powerful force for change and how to use them to create the future they desire. The kids I work with are especially quick to get this technique and use it to their advantage.

Acknowledge the storm
Your mind can be like a wild, out of control storm. It will do what it has rehearsed or has always done which is often not what you intend. If you are spending a lot of your energy just trying to control the storm, how much does that energy really benefit you overall? How can you change the comforting pattern of doing (or thinking) the same thing over and over again? (Hint: you can’t.)

The mind—our monkey mind, as one trainer calls it—jumps all over the place. One thought leads to another and soon we’ve forgotten our original goal. The question is, how do we tame the mind? One way is to develop possibility thinking. I know, I know. Many of us have gone to every workshop or Tony Robbins training, or read every book or watched the Secret many times, and still we think we haven’t been able to control our thinking.

All the information learned from these sources is helpful, however, if you haven’t gotten your life under control or in a place that is suitable or comfortable to you, it may be that you have had a lot of negative circumstances or situations in life that haven’t been resolved. If you have taken one or two seminars or trainings in positive thinking and 30 years of anxiety or depression or trauma, what do you think is going to win? What is your brain paying attention to—the superhighway of negativity or the one-day of positive training?

In working with individuals or in teams via my workshops, I always discover that folks wouldn’t even be seeking me out if they were able to consciously change their thinking or behaviors. And also with advances in neuroscience, we know we have to change the negative superhighway that is actually now observed and recorded in the brain.

There are many factors that prevent people from achieving their full potential. Fear is the biggest deterrent I see. It comes in many shapes, forms, and sizes. Fear paralyzes and destroys. It can creep into the deepest core of human potential and freeze creativity. Then it can generalize and get rooted in and through thoughts and action.

It is my life’s purpose to help as many people as I can to embrace change. The current wisdom truly is all we are is changing. By embracing personal growth and making life a true adventure offers an awakening of your full and total potential. Getting unstuck from anything negative and moving towards and bright exciting future by shaking old beliefs loose to develop your unique self is empowering.

Ask yourself , how would your life improve if you could focus on what you want? What is your higher purpose? The only limits I see are if you are committed to staying stuck in your old thoughts and beliefs and thus patterns. There are many ways to change. You can start by realizing you are far more than you think you are and may have been led to believe.

Ready to move forward?

For many of us, basic needs were not met when we were children. For many, still, our basic needs are not being met as adults. In order to evolve and self actualize, to unlock our true potential, we’ve probably got to do some serious inner work.

Remember that Maslow believed that educators should respond to the potential an individual has for growing into a self actualized being. If we were all taught to recognize our potential from our earliest years, we could achieve just about anything. The following list provides some keys to unlocking potential in us all, and speaks to the educator in all of us.

1. Teach people to be authentic, to be aware of their inner selves, and to hear their inner feelings and internal voices.
2. Teach people to transcend their cultural conditioning and become world citizens.
3. Help people discover their vocation for life, their calling, fate, or destiny. (This is especially focused on finding the right career and right mate.)
4. Teach people that life is precious, that there is joy to be experienced in life. If people are open to seeing the good in all sorts of situations, life can certainly be viewed as worth living.
5. We must accept people as they are, and help them learn their inner nature.
6. Help assist others in securing their basic needs. This includes safety, belongingness, and esteem needs.
7. Refresh true consciousness by teaching people to appreciate beauty and other positive forces in nature and in life.
8. It takes control to improve quality of life in all areas. (Controls and boundaries are helpful to achieving goals, while complete abandon in this regard might not necessarily help evolution.)
9. Teach people to transcend trifling issues. Assist them in approaching serious problems in life including suffering, pain, death, injustice.
10. Become a good chooser. Practice making good choices.

Think what a fabulous planet (world, community, home) we could create if we were all focused on unleashing our true human potential!

Is it possible? Well, probably – but first, we’ve got to understand how we humans operate on a very basic level.

Many people have heard of humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow and his Hierarchy of Needs. He developed a theory of personality that has influenced a number of different fields, including education. This theory accurately describes many realities of personal experiences.

Humanists focus upon potentials. They strive for an upper level of capabilities. They seek frontiers of creativity and the highest reaches of consciousness and wisdom. Maslow calls this level “self actualizing person, a fully functioning person or a health personality.”

In Maslow’s theory of needs, all of our basic needs instinctive (just like animals). Humans start with a very weak disposition that is then fashioned fully as the person grows. If the environment is right, people will grow straight and beautiful, actualizing the potential(s) they have inherited. If the environment is not right (news flash: it is mostly not!) they will not grow straight and beautiful. Maslow’s hierarchy offers five levels of basic needs. But beyond these needs, higher levels of needs exist, including needs for understanding, aesthetic appreciation, and purely spiritual needs. We humans cannot move through the stages of needs until the demands of the first (or supporting) need has been satisfied.

So, what are these basic needs?
1. Physiological: These biological needs consist of oxygen, food, water, and relatively constant body temperature. They are the strongest needs because if deprived, we would not thrive.

2. Safety: When all physiological needs are met and are no longer controlling thoughts and behaviors, the needs for security can become active. Adults have little awareness of their security needs except in times of emergency or periods of disorganization in the social structure (such as rioting). Children often display the signs of insecurity and the need to be safe.

3. Love, affection, and belongingness: When the needs for safety and for physiological wellbeing are satisfied, love, affection and belongingness can then emerge. Maslow states that people seek to overcome feelings of loneliness and alienation. This involves both giving and receiving love, affection and the sense of belonging.

4. Self Esteem: When the first three classes of needs are satisfied, the needs for esteem can become dominant. These involve needs for both self-esteem and for the esteem a person gets from others. Humans have a need for stability, a firm base or foundation, high level of self respect, and respect from others. When these needs are satisfied, the person feels self-confident and valuable. When these needs are unmet, the person feels inferior, weak, helpless, or worthless.

5. Self Actualization. When the first four levels of needs are satisfied, then and only then are the needs for self actualization activated. Maslow describes self actualization as a person’s need to be and do that which the person was born to do. For example, a musician must make music, an artist must paint, and a poet must write. When unmet, restlessness ensues. The person feels on edge, tense, lacking something.

Maslow believes that the only reason that people would not move well in the direction of self actualization is because of hindrances placed in their way by family or society. He states that education is one of these hindrances. Maslow states that educators should respond to the potential an individual has for growing into a self actualized being.

Interested in learning more? Spend some time online learning more about Maslow and his hierarchical theory. Then, think about times in your life where your basic needs may have gone unmet. What did you do? Think? Believe? Feel? How did you move forward? Or, are you stuck?